It’s been a while. Again. Been busy living life, which is turning out to be a worthwhile pastime.
I met someone. Just today we had a long talk that made me realize once more that exactly because time is fleeting and life is always too short, it is no use worrying about how much of it has already gone by. About ‘wasted time’.
Not that I would categorize these past seven months as such anyway. They’ve been stressful and ripe with trials and adventures unasked for, but boy, have they been beautiful. Never have I felt luckier to be alive and involved in any constellation of existences.
And at the same time as knowing that nothing is known, I know so much about the two of us together… there is a certainty there that I have often longed for and seldom found. The last time in this intensity was perhaps when I finally arranged myself with my own existence and decided that it would always hold a fundamental, immutable, infinite worth to me. That was about ten years ago.
Since then, there have been a few such absolute realizations, less central to me and more relevant to this endeavor of communication of concepts through time. Some of those I still plan to share and discuss here in the form of principles. Some are too trivial even for that – like perhaps the one mentioned at the beginning of this post.
And that is the deal with these realizations. That they’re so simple that you can technically understand and yet forget to apply them until the consequences of your forgetfulness lead you to discover them anew. Some are like self-fulfilling prophecies in a way that trying to explicitly adhere to their wisdom can – at least seemingly – lead you further away and then back to them. Like your life is elliptically orbiting understanding, or, if you’re hopeful like I am, spiraling towards it.
Live in the moment. Live each day as if it was your last. Memento YOLO.
These concepts are not new to me, and certainly not to humankind. This is just one more iteration. Consolidation. One more step from theoretical knowledge to practical, experienced certainty. Internalized knowledge. Idk if there is existing terminology to better express this distinction. Probably there is, somewhere in philosophy. After all, it’s where a large part of the drama of the human condition stems from. The fact that everyone needs to ‘make their own mistakes’. That communication alone cannot make you truly grok something. That we exist as a decentralized organism across time and space and points of view.
Juicy subject. But let’s come back to that another time. My love has just fallen asleep on my shoulder. Right now, all I want is to fall asleep beside her and be content, knowing that I need not have written this sooner. Seven months is a long time, sure, but spiraling takes time. And now I am closer again.
I will write more. I’ve realized again that I absolutely want to. And I’ve realized I must do so as long as my fingers are still willing, and in a state where my mind is, too. With intrinsic urgency and yet without pressuring myself.
What comes of this sentiment, we’ll see on the next round. I am done pretending that this is the final iteration. For now.
If you’ve stuck with me this far, here’s a tiny poem about time that I wrote last year:
The alarm clock by my bed is radio-controlled. It doesn’t tick but still time passes. I close my eyes to the numbers. Beyond my window pane the patter of the rain, the trickle down the drain, and the sound of a thousand wet leaves rushing; just clocks I cannot read.